I spent two years on several major (and minor) of the online dating services in 2002/3. My motivation changed during this time and I subscribed and unsubscribed from several services. Sometimes I was after a date and I went on about 14 in the early months. They were mostly first dates that didn't work out, as well as a few second dates. Sometimes I was after email pals, and there were lots. I ended up finding a girlfriend off line, but I stayed on the services for a few more months experimenting. Maybe I was addicted? Or just treating it like TV? Near the end when I was dating someone, my motivation was cultural anthropology. I changed my profile a lot and watched what happened. My profile that was all poetry was perhaps the one that got the most unsolicited responses from women, although they were all the same type of woman and not good matches for me at all. My favorite was a profile that was tailored to what I found to be the most commons desires in women's profiles. Funny, some sort of stable income, and loves to travel. I made a profile that said basically, "I'm a comedian with a trust fund who loves to travel" No one responded.

Along the way I learned a lot and wrote it down. Several of my friends who are veterans of online dating, including two who met their spouses online, have also reviewed this article.

3 Ideas

1. Online dating services were like arriving at a huge single's party right at the peak of the night. Everybody's used to each other and if they have not, or are not, hooked up, they are looking for new faces. This means you've got to be at your best when you walk in the door and you have to think quickly. Unfortunately, people usually stumble in drunk and only figure things out after they've made a bad impression. For this reason, I found out the hard way that a profile should be read by friends before you make it public for the first time.
2. Online dating is easy to confuse with reality, because online we each get to make up a reality about ourselves. And since you can only get across a small part of yourself with some words and a few pictures, this reality is usually missing some important facts, to say the least! Sure, there are also scum out there who lie, but they are not the norm. The norm are little innocent lies of omission, like that picture that was taken six years ago before the person went punk, or "I have a serious side too," really meaning that the person will turn into someone who needs an exorcist if you cook their eggs wrong. It's challenging to avoid coming to any conclusions about how a person is, looks, or acts, from their profile. But I found that all you can really deduce from a profile is whether you're interested in finding out more about the reality of who they really are.
3. Beware of Bookmark-itis. If you find yourself using online dating as nigh time entertainment, you're missing the point. This make take the form of bookmarking people you are interested in, but not emailing them, emailing too many people, just emailing and not calling or going out, or just endlessly surfing and seeing who is new and has changed their profiles. The point of using online dating sites is to meet people in person so you can see if you're interested.

12 Steps

1. Surf the leading services, by entering your zip code and preferences to see if you like the profiles you find and the way the system is set up. Some of the leading services, Yahoo Personals, and Match for example, are big general dating pools. You can also narrow your demographic by picking smaller, specialized dating services like Springstreet Networks (which sites like Salon Personals.com, The Onion, and Nerve Magazine all share,) or Jdate (For Jewish people).
2. Pick one service you like. Don't worry, you can try more services later, but it's good to start with just one so you can focus your efforts.
3. Get to know your competition. Put in search criteria that match who you are in terms of gender, age, zip code, etc (Don't worry, nobody will know). This will give you a sense of what you're up against.
4. Write a profile but DO NOT MAKE IT PUBLIC (You first need to pick a picture and most importantly, run your profile by friends.) Be honest, unique and confident, but not cocky. Try and get a laugh, or some emotion from the reader, but not by being at all angry or acerbic.
5. Pick one picture to start. Try to find one where you were caught in a relaxed and happy looking mood, and pretty close up. Don't get fancy or cute just yet, just a flattering head shot will do, because you can add more later. If you don't have a good recent shot, plan to get a friend to shoot a bunch of shots of you fooling around, looking at the camera, and looking away. Use a simple background with lots of light. One of the shots should turn out great.
6. Get feedback on your profile. Print your profile and give it to at least three friends, friends who know you well and are of the gender or persuasion you're after. Ask them for honest feedback, listen to what they say, especially if more then one of them says the same thing.
7. Update your profile and go public so the other people in the service can see you.
8. Search for people like and carefully read their profile.
9. Make contact. If you don't get a lot of hits, i.e. heterosexual men, tops, etc. You won't get too much email. So you've got to send a lot. But start with just 3-5 of your favorite picks and send a message that says "hi" and shows you've read their profile and put some time into your message. Don't ask for a date, just a response if they are interested. If you do get a lot of hits, i.e. heterosexual women, bottoms, etc. Weed through your emails looking for someone who has taken time to read your profile and seems interesting. If you make first contact, be light and brief. Be careful of putting anything like your first and last name in emails or profiles so that weirdos can't Google you and find where you live and work.
10. If you get a bite, roll with it for a couple of emails and try to set up a phone call. Then if things still seem cool, set up a brief meeting in person, in public, for lunch, coffee, or something else quick and easy. Have a place and time ready, don't be vague, but be flexible to their suggestions.
11. Reality check. Before the date, re-read the person's profile and be prepared for a reality check in terms of what they really look and act like.
12. The end. End the date neutral and open minded, saying something like "this was fun, I'll email you tomorrow." Then sleep on things and the next day craft a simple, honest email. This will likely sound something like one of these two statements. 1. "That was fun, but I didn't feel chemistry. Good luck out there." 2. "That was fun, I'd like to see you again." There is strength in honesty and directness, and people appreciate it because it is rare and highly communicative.

Personal Thoughts

There needs to be love, respect, honesty and communication on both sides of any relationship worth a damn. If you don't get it and give it, don't do it. This goes for one night stands right up to marriage, because this is not about bagging hotties, notching guitars, or finding money. While tempting, these things will in the end hurt you and leave you empty. Have fun, be healthy, and above all, communicate.

I found that a great product of online dating was free counseling. If you put a lot of time into a creating a good profile and narrowing down what you are looking for, you are really working on who you are and want you want. And those are very old and valuable questions to work on, especially for such a limited weekly fee.

Ultimately I found it's a question of being attractive, no matter what the medium. I found out the hard way that the best way of being attractive is to be healthy - mentally, financially, personally, and physically. Unfortunately this also involves the most work, but that's the way it is. Of course danger, angst, drama, passion, irresponsibility and the like can work wonders for your dating life too, but it always seems to me to be short-lived, destructive, and attractive to the wrong people. I think it's best to use these things as spices to keep things interesting, but not as a core tactic for being attractive.

Online Dating Links

Big and Global Sites:
Yahoo Personals
Match.com
Plenty of Fish (huge membership and totally free!)

Smaller and Unique Sites:
The Onion Personals
Salon.com
Nerve Magazine
Jdate for Jewish people, although there seems to be some non-Jews on the site.